Hit upside the head by the Holy Spirit!

So let me just prefix this by saying that I LOVE maps! No seriously, I love maps. I could look at a map for hours just to memorize where different countries are located. I like to know how far places are from one another, what the capital cities are, where one country is located in reference to another, what countries are found on the South Pacific....you get the idea.

I also love practical maps. In London there is this thing called the A to Z, and EVERY Londoner has an A to Z, (which is a 200 page breakdown of every street in all 33 boroughs of London with an alphabetical list in the back including all tube stations, hospitals, police stations, museums, and all major attractions). For someone who loves maps the A to Z is like a piece of heaven that fits nicely in your hand bag!....No matter where you were in London, if you felt lost for a moment, you could just reach into your pocket and pull out your A to Z and know exactly where you are! I loved it.

No one aspect of Chicago that I have found exceedingly frustrating is its complete lack of maps or helpful points of orientation! Complete void of anything helpful when trying to figure out where you are going.....this past weekend I went to a wedding in Olive Park which is right north of Navy Pier....I got of the El at Grand on the Red Line and knew that I only had to walk a few blocks...but the question is, "In what direction?" So I looked for a map and of course did not find one, so I asked the first person I saw...they were helpful, but actually pointed me in the completely wrong direction and after 15 minutes of walking in the wrong direction, realized that it was wrong and turned around again....in the end I got to where I needed to go by God's grace, but not without forming a monstrous headache of frustration. To top things off I had to run straight to work directly after the ceremony, so after finally finding where I needed to be I had to run back...hopefully in the right direction so that I could get to work on time.

In my state of angst against this intimidating city I walked as quickly as possible back towards the El all the while asking God what I was doing. My internal conversation went something like this, "God, what the heck? I know you are good, I know you are sovereign, I know you are a God of provision, but what am I even doing in in this city? I can't even find a map to figure out where I am in Chicago?"

That is when the Holy Spirit hit me upside the head! I have been so frustrated in my move to this new city because I haven't been able to find my place in Chicago. I felt like God was saying, "If you want to be orientated in this city, you need to first be orientated with me! If you know where you are in relation to the Son, you will find your place on the map." At the moment I walked past a huge building the the sun hit my face with such might that I had to shield my eyes. I laughed and realized that as frustrated as I have been, and as lost as I have felt, I do know in my heart that God is good, sovereign, and a provider. And if I get myself orientated with Him, I might just find my niche in this city after all.

And it is on that note of hope that I end this ramble:-)

hmmmm...thinking about anything but Chicago?

So here is the thing.....I love the idea of Chicago. I loved visiting Chicago when I was in uni....I love the people here....I love the Cubs and the fact that they are doing well....I love the history of the city....I love the feel of walking through the neighborhoods and getting the community vibe in the middle of a huge city....and of course I love the lake.....but how do I feel about moving to Chicago, I still don't know.

I know that my identity isn't found in what I do....I am not defined by whether or not I am a college student, whether or not I have a job, or whether or not I have the hopeful outlook on my bank statement...I am found in Christ....yet there seems to be a disconnect between my head and my heart when it comes to this fact.

Being in a new city, without a church, without a job, without family....and suddenly I lose focus of Jesus. I get frustrated at the fact that last year at this time I said goodbye to London and now a year later I am still not settled. I still looking, still seeking, still striving to hear God's still small voice. Doing my best to put Him first and seek to glorify Him and find the purpose He has for me. But then I stumble and fall on my face again. But He is faithful to pick me up, I just wish I wasn't a stupid Israelite that the Lord blesses then I turn my back, turn my heart and forget His goodness.

ANd that is where I'm at...trying to remember His goodness, HIs provision, and His faithfulness to bless those who love HIm and keep His commandments. If I abide in Him and His word in me then He will give me the desires of my heart...because at that point my desires will be His desires...but how do I get there? What does that look like? I guess that is what this journey is all about figuring out....so I will go do that.