Today I'm being very bitchy...I know I am being bitchy.....I don't want to be bitchy...but alas, the next thing I know....I'm being mean for no reason!
Do you ever wonder why we do this? I'm assuming I'm not alone in this phenomenon. In fact it makes me think of Paul in Romans 7 babbling about doing what he shouldn't do and not doing what he wants to do and ought to do....something like that. So here I am...in this slump of selfishness and loathing and I can't figure out what the heck I did to get here.
But I know how it get out. Jesus. That simple. That powerful. His grace is sufficient for me..even my crabby, mean, mode that encumbers and clouds my day.
Here is the problem....I know Jesus is the answer, I want to be in a better mode, but I also want to selfishly sulk about all the things that are putting me in this funk instead of seek the peace of a loving Savior. What the heck is wrong with me? Am I on drugs? no....but apparently I can't get out of my own way long enough to receive the blessings of redemption and the abundant grace that overflows from a life found in Christ....is this human nature? Are we all this stupid? Or is it just me? Perhaps the later has a ring of truth.
Solution? Suck it up and turn to truth: Roamns 7
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! "
Pray for me...to suck it up...put my stubborn, selfish, sin nature aside and accept the gift of unmerited favor and grace....I seriously don't deserve it...but dang am I grateful!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
God is good:-)
Over the past seven odd years I have found myself living in various different locations....from Boston, to Newport Beach, Swanzey Lake, London....now to Chicago.
Throughout my decision process as to "where" to move, i have tried to be faithful to pray and trust that God has prepared the way for each local. Of course, faith is an action, so if we want to see God move we got to pick up our feet! The version in Genesis where God says to Abram, "Go and I WILL show you the land I have given you!" The tense of word 'will' has always struck me as indicative of God's nature. Part of faith is trusting in what we can't see....luckily faith is a gift and we can ask for more of it!
Anyways, point of my ramble....in each of the places I have moved there has been that moment when I am walking around like normal and suddenly it strikes me that I am home. I am exactly where God wants me and I have an overwhelming feeling of joy and peace the washes over me like a wave of grace from God the Father:-).....today I received a wave!
I don't know what God has in store for my life, but I know that it will be an adventure. I don't know what this Chicago life will look like, but I am excited. I have no idea what the future hold, but I will GO, and He WILL show me:-)
Throughout my decision process as to "where" to move, i have tried to be faithful to pray and trust that God has prepared the way for each local. Of course, faith is an action, so if we want to see God move we got to pick up our feet! The version in Genesis where God says to Abram, "Go and I WILL show you the land I have given you!" The tense of word 'will' has always struck me as indicative of God's nature. Part of faith is trusting in what we can't see....luckily faith is a gift and we can ask for more of it!
Anyways, point of my ramble....in each of the places I have moved there has been that moment when I am walking around like normal and suddenly it strikes me that I am home. I am exactly where God wants me and I have an overwhelming feeling of joy and peace the washes over me like a wave of grace from God the Father:-).....today I received a wave!
I don't know what God has in store for my life, but I know that it will be an adventure. I don't know what this Chicago life will look like, but I am excited. I have no idea what the future hold, but I will GO, and He WILL show me:-)
Friday, January 16, 2009
Fasting
It is my general impression that most of us are lacking in the spiritual discipline department. In a society inundated with instant gratification it is easy to understand why the concept of sacrifice is difficult. But how do you get from understanding the obstacles to practicing spiritual disciplines? Why should we even try? What the heck is a spiritual discipline anyways?
Let me back track, when I say "spiritual discipline" I mean a behavior I choose to do as a means to get closer to God and receive His grace. For example: tithing, praying, journaling, reading my Bible, and fasting.
Why should we try to practice spiritual disciplines? They provide opportunities to trust God; chances to see more of His character; the possibility to interact with the living God and be transformed by Him.
What about obstacles? Actually that is why I am writing, I think the obstacles are the barriers we push at in order to see God face to face!
This is what I mean: I find it difficult to fast, but I think it is important for the aforementioned reasons. But lately I have been having an exceedingly difficult time committing to my times of fasting. There were several reasons for this, however I realized that my biggest problem was that I was concentrating on the action of fasting and forgetting the purpose! I took God out of the equation and was consumed by the physical action and subsequent reaction of depriving myself of food. I was so focused on the tangible that I forgot to pray through the sacrifice.
In a moment of clarity I rectified my mistake and prayed for revelation. Realizing that the obstacle was my opportunity to pushing into God. This is an excerpt from my journal:
"I am fasting in preparation for this conference, in anticipation that you will be there in power. With an expectant heart to see you move. Forgetting though that hunger points out my humanness and it is that reminder that should demonstrate the need for you...my hunger, my weakness, my inability to sustain my own needs, my dependence on things of this world, and YOUR ability to sustain me fully with manna from heaven with more then I could ever want. yes, i need food to survive....but I am awful dependent on food as a source of comfort and stability instead of you. I rebuke that behavior! I rebuke my dependence on food! I pray that I can more fully be dependent on you as my source of peace, hope, grace, and truth. I will not make an idol of things of this world. I will remember that YOU are God. You alone are my foundation and nothing about your peace is temporary or fleeting. You are my sustainer of life and I put my trust in you alone. Help me to remember that you are the one who i need to depend on. You are the one that is the giver of life. You are the one who can fill me up and keep me satisfied. What I need daily is not food, by YOU alone!"
And it is on that note that I hope you have the opportunity to push through barriers and meet with God. Don't be afraid of obstacles or sacrifice...they are chances to see God move.
Let me back track, when I say "spiritual discipline" I mean a behavior I choose to do as a means to get closer to God and receive His grace. For example: tithing, praying, journaling, reading my Bible, and fasting.
Why should we try to practice spiritual disciplines? They provide opportunities to trust God; chances to see more of His character; the possibility to interact with the living God and be transformed by Him.
What about obstacles? Actually that is why I am writing, I think the obstacles are the barriers we push at in order to see God face to face!
This is what I mean: I find it difficult to fast, but I think it is important for the aforementioned reasons. But lately I have been having an exceedingly difficult time committing to my times of fasting. There were several reasons for this, however I realized that my biggest problem was that I was concentrating on the action of fasting and forgetting the purpose! I took God out of the equation and was consumed by the physical action and subsequent reaction of depriving myself of food. I was so focused on the tangible that I forgot to pray through the sacrifice.
In a moment of clarity I rectified my mistake and prayed for revelation. Realizing that the obstacle was my opportunity to pushing into God. This is an excerpt from my journal:
"I am fasting in preparation for this conference, in anticipation that you will be there in power. With an expectant heart to see you move. Forgetting though that hunger points out my humanness and it is that reminder that should demonstrate the need for you...my hunger, my weakness, my inability to sustain my own needs, my dependence on things of this world, and YOUR ability to sustain me fully with manna from heaven with more then I could ever want. yes, i need food to survive....but I am awful dependent on food as a source of comfort and stability instead of you. I rebuke that behavior! I rebuke my dependence on food! I pray that I can more fully be dependent on you as my source of peace, hope, grace, and truth. I will not make an idol of things of this world. I will remember that YOU are God. You alone are my foundation and nothing about your peace is temporary or fleeting. You are my sustainer of life and I put my trust in you alone. Help me to remember that you are the one who i need to depend on. You are the one that is the giver of life. You are the one who can fill me up and keep me satisfied. What I need daily is not food, by YOU alone!"
And it is on that note that I hope you have the opportunity to push through barriers and meet with God. Don't be afraid of obstacles or sacrifice...they are chances to see God move.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
It's been awhile...
I realize that in light of declaring that I would write entries to my book here I have subsequently stopped posting all together. Definitely not my original intent! Therefore, in light of my lack of diligence to post entry for "Ramblings of an Incomplete Idiot" I will just an update on my life in Chicago:-)
Biggest change: I FOUND A CHURCH!!!!!!!!
Since moving to Chicago I have gone to many great churches, but have yet to find a home. That changed when I went to the Newfrontiers church plant, Fusion, (www.realfusion.org). It isn't anything like the type of church I was looking for, but the people are real, they obviously love Jesus, and the are passionate about Chicago...all things considered, I guess they are exactly what I was looking for!
Second, NPU people are back from Winter break and I am excited for a new semester of small group with some amazing ladies:-) Also grateful for the friends that God has provided in this new and strange city.
Things to look forward to in 2009:
-Remembering the promises God has spoken into my life and putting faith into action to take steps to claim those promises...(aka get off my lazy butt, stop complaining and doing something!)
-Growing in new disciplines, (actually being obedient and diligent for more then, what, 4 days)
-Running the Chicago half-marathon in June with Kari, and the full marathon in October with JT
-Making a budget and sticking to it
-Going on new adventures
-Having peace at the prospect of the unknown
Biggest change: I FOUND A CHURCH!!!!!!!!
Since moving to Chicago I have gone to many great churches, but have yet to find a home. That changed when I went to the Newfrontiers church plant, Fusion, (www.realfusion.org). It isn't anything like the type of church I was looking for, but the people are real, they obviously love Jesus, and the are passionate about Chicago...all things considered, I guess they are exactly what I was looking for!
Second, NPU people are back from Winter break and I am excited for a new semester of small group with some amazing ladies:-) Also grateful for the friends that God has provided in this new and strange city.
Things to look forward to in 2009:
-Remembering the promises God has spoken into my life and putting faith into action to take steps to claim those promises...(aka get off my lazy butt, stop complaining and doing something!)
-Growing in new disciplines, (actually being obedient and diligent for more then, what, 4 days)
-Running the Chicago half-marathon in June with Kari, and the full marathon in October with JT
-Making a budget and sticking to it
-Going on new adventures
-Having peace at the prospect of the unknown
Monday, December 29, 2008
Massacre in DR Congo
According to BBC News at least 189 have been killed in the past week in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Mostly women and children chopped to death by machetes while in church by the Ugandan LRA. A witness hid in a bush outside one church while the wailing victims cried out.
Joseph Kony, leader for the LRA, says that the reports of attacks are propaganda.
Whatever the case, peace is not in this region of the world. Please pray for change, pray for peace, pray for Joseph Kony to turn himself into the UN and sign a peace treaty!
Joseph Kony, leader for the LRA, says that the reports of attacks are propaganda.
Whatever the case, peace is not in this region of the world. Please pray for change, pray for peace, pray for Joseph Kony to turn himself into the UN and sign a peace treaty!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Ramblings of an incomplete idiot: Prologue
A book of confession for my own piety weaknesses that frustrate me and I pray will one day change:
There are some annoying people in this world. People that purposefully get on your nervous, people whom are oblivious to their own stigma.....people who are great, but have those little habits that make you want to tear your eyeballs out of their sockets with a spoon just to focus your attention on something, anything else. But what I find most annoying and unbearable if I allow myself to think about it is the fact that what I find annoying in other people, is actually what I hate about myself.
A hypocrite of hypocrites, solely focused on the shortcomings of others in an attempt to hide from the mirror of self-realization. However, even after brief moments of clarity of epiphany, of confession, I eventually resort back to the behaviors I despise. Why? Because consciously or unconsciously, I make the decision that it is too much effort to change. All the complaining, all the whining, all the hot-air being blown into oblivion is in vain. A charade to fool myself more then others. The illusion of desire to change, without a hint of sincerity.
What is my problem? In one word: laziness! You can say I am a product of my environment, a victim to my culture that promises instant gratification, but I believe the blame lies a bit closer to home then even I want to admit. When I try to put the blame outside of myself I feel the sting of denial in the pit of my stomach. Sure, it would be easy to blame my lack of aptitude to grow on an external source, but I know that is a lie. There comes a point where we each have to take responsibility for the decisions we make…or lack there of to be more specific. To quote one of my favorite pastors, Mark Driscoll says there are sins of commission and sins of omission. Meaning there are decisions we make, conscious or not, to act in a particular manner contrary to what is right: a sin of commission. Then there are things that we ought to do, but we opt out of doing the right thing: a sin of omission.
These here are the ramblings of my incomplete mind…me the idiot. This is an attempt to use my passion for writing to express the things I don’t want to talk about, don’t want to deal with, and don’t want to change…but need to! So please indulge me in this venture…read…comment…share….reflect….and be honest with yourself…after all, that is the point I am trying to get to. I’m write in light of my personal conviction the Jesus Christ died for my sins, was buried, and rose again (conquering death). Not everyone who reads this will agree with that, but I ask you to please keep an open mind and don’t write me off. Thanks
This is the prologue to my first installment….
There are some annoying people in this world. People that purposefully get on your nervous, people whom are oblivious to their own stigma.....people who are great, but have those little habits that make you want to tear your eyeballs out of their sockets with a spoon just to focus your attention on something, anything else. But what I find most annoying and unbearable if I allow myself to think about it is the fact that what I find annoying in other people, is actually what I hate about myself.
A hypocrite of hypocrites, solely focused on the shortcomings of others in an attempt to hide from the mirror of self-realization. However, even after brief moments of clarity of epiphany, of confession, I eventually resort back to the behaviors I despise. Why? Because consciously or unconsciously, I make the decision that it is too much effort to change. All the complaining, all the whining, all the hot-air being blown into oblivion is in vain. A charade to fool myself more then others. The illusion of desire to change, without a hint of sincerity.
What is my problem? In one word: laziness! You can say I am a product of my environment, a victim to my culture that promises instant gratification, but I believe the blame lies a bit closer to home then even I want to admit. When I try to put the blame outside of myself I feel the sting of denial in the pit of my stomach. Sure, it would be easy to blame my lack of aptitude to grow on an external source, but I know that is a lie. There comes a point where we each have to take responsibility for the decisions we make…or lack there of to be more specific. To quote one of my favorite pastors, Mark Driscoll says there are sins of commission and sins of omission. Meaning there are decisions we make, conscious or not, to act in a particular manner contrary to what is right: a sin of commission. Then there are things that we ought to do, but we opt out of doing the right thing: a sin of omission.
These here are the ramblings of my incomplete mind…me the idiot. This is an attempt to use my passion for writing to express the things I don’t want to talk about, don’t want to deal with, and don’t want to change…but need to! So please indulge me in this venture…read…comment…share….reflect….and be honest with yourself…after all, that is the point I am trying to get to. I’m write in light of my personal conviction the Jesus Christ died for my sins, was buried, and rose again (conquering death). Not everyone who reads this will agree with that, but I ask you to please keep an open mind and don’t write me off. Thanks
This is the prologue to my first installment….
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Ramblings of an incomplete idiot: issue 1
Curious. Staring straight ahead, eyes focused on the encompassing black, the crystals assaulting my face with each gust of wind looked like flashes of white missiles streaming to earth with unfaltering speed. Too many to count, too many to mean anything but harm. Yet…if I shifted my gaze towards the light, eyes wide, absorbing the crisp wet cold, it was another scene entirely. Soft pedals fluttered down, resting on my eyelashes only to be blinked away as my heat melted each distinct, unique marvel that graced my presence. Question…should I protect myself from attack or embrace the wonder? A soft but firm cylinder struck both shoulder blades in a single swipe. Thrust into the white abyss, air pushed forcefully from my lungs…Definitely an attack! Fierce cold scalded the contours of my face. Begrudgingly, I pulled my hands underneath my sunken form scraping the surface of powder as they went. My momentarily weak arms pushed my torso from the frozen tundra beneath. My back shielded me from my assailant. A smirk of vengeance burned from cheek to cheek. I cupped my hands once, turned, and slung a missile of my own. It might have been an attack, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t wonderful!
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